#i just rambled ... forgive me i didnt put any spaces in between...

[dogslosing]

freya + giorgio - things you said through a closed door [ @malboraslihan ]

chapter nineteen: a business transaction.

she's being stubborn , but she doesn't care . not when there's an entire human being growing inside of her and she's scared . for the first time in her life -- about who she's meant to be and if she could be the mother she never had. knew first thing about abandonment -- not once , but twice . by her biological stripper mother who wanted nothing to do with her . a mistake as she called it , just to pass her down to a loving family who wasn't so loving after all . not when they finally got the baby they had been trying for years after freya had turned thirteen. it was like no matter what she did , what she said, it was never right . she was never the chosen one. she was always too loud or too messy, too opinionated or too strong. after moving out and starting her own life, she continued to seek for solitude anywhere and everywhere . after sleeping with a married man, she knew she had fucked up the second the stick in her hand turned into two red stripes telling her she was pregnant with someone else's baby. with a man that wasn't hers, just to be passed down (again) to someone who was supposed to take care of her and the baby. and she shouldn't have fallen in love. it was stupid -- she was a mistress and mistresses don't get their happy ever after, not when she was the one to make the choice in the first place to screw up someone else's marriage. but the marriage was already broken, he had said, but he couldn't be the one to mend her, she wasn't the one he wanted. so here she was, living with giorgio, who was doing his best when she never made it easy. he hogged the blanket and made her drink water when she really wanted coffee, he let her blast her music for only twenty minutes before he made her turn it down again. he made her laugh and smile, cry and scream, but she'll just blame it all on the hormones. because that's what this was, wasn't it? it wasn't meant to be anything more than a business transaction. so why did it hurt so much when she saw him talking to another girl tonight? tongue presses to the roof of her mouth. "go back to your date," she counters from the other side of the door . "i can handle myself. i can be a mom, you know. i can be what this baby needs and i don't need your help to do it." there's a pause, "she has horrible fucking roots by the way ."

[redactedverse-thoughts]

Today's thoughts- Sam and his newborns

Angst. Pretty long. Dad Sam. Bye bye Bright. Empty nest?

As much trouble as Bright was, Sam had gotten awful used to their special blend of chaos, and as much as he nagged and chided and scolded and tutted, he found that when it came down to it, he wouldn't rather have it any other way.

...

The house was silent tonight.

It was every parent's worst nightmare, a prospect Sam never actually thought he'd ever have to face. Yet here he was, in a house that was too quiet, sitting in the chair that faced the empty room that used to be theirs. The bed wasn't made, as usual, and their table was a mess of open books and scattered pens, but that was fine. It gave the room life, as if Bright would be back to resume activity in their room at any moment. A little bubble in time.

Sam knew he'd have to go in and clean the room eventually. Straighten things out, put things away... It was just the natural order of things- not that vampires were all to natural to begin with. Still, it felt wrong to step into their room. He gave Bright the space, and now it just felt like he was intruding on their privacy.

Even though it was still his house.

And they wouldn't need it anymore.

…

He should have been there.

He was their adopted maker. He should have got there sooner. He should have kept a better eye on his kids. He should have taught them better. If... If he had taught them to better defend themselves... God, that night he never should have even allowed them to go out and explore. It was just... Bright and Freddy promised to take care of each other, so Sam just thought- well, he thought they were getting the hang of it, the vampire thing. The bloodlust. Having each others' backs. He was just glad they were talking again. That they managed to bounce back after the whole Quinn thing.

He promised himself, when he took in the two new borns, that he would be a good maker, the kind of maker he wished he had.

He tried. He really tried. Between Alexis, and Vincent and lovely, and Darlin... He gave them as much as of himself as he could spare.

Had he done enough? He was often busy. He wasnt always the most understanding to them. Wasnt always the most patient. Didnt always know what to say.

Wasn't always the best maker, for either of his progenies.

Wasnt there in time when it happened.

Couldn't save their life.

Doomed one of his progeny to watch his best friend, the only remnant of his old life, turn to dust.

"Was... Was I good enough? Did I do right by you, Bright?"

Judging by the emptiness of his house, devoid of either progeny, Sam would say no. He glanced behind him, to Freddy's room, who had moved in with Vincent for the last few days.

He couldn't handle opening his room door each morning to face Bright's untouched room.

Sam couldn't blame him.

He sighed, casting his eyes down to the bed in front of him, his gaze far away.

Wait, bed?

Ah, shit. He walked into Bright's room by accident again.

"Forgive me." Sam muttered to the empty room, his eyes flitting across the floor as he backed up and reached for the knob. Something gets kicked out of the way and the arguably old vampire hesitates. He looked at the small shiny item on the ground for a good moment, debating whether he should just leave it be. He was already invading their space... Did he want to disturb their belongings more than he already had?

Curiosity finally winning out, Sam reached down, picking up the thing and turning it over in his hands.

His old band pin. The one he had given to Brighteyes one time, after they came crashing onto the couch upon hearing Sam listening to an old band he liked. They had been all excited, rambling on about the taste they didnt know Sam had. Amused by Bright's apparent interest in the band, and grateful they would finally talk to them of their own accord, he revealed that he'd been to a few concerts back in the day. When the band was but a new, up and coming little group.

That really got their attention.

After an evening discussing favourite songs, favourite eras, favourite lyrics and the likes, Sam got up and went into his room. He had soemthing to show them. He reemerged with a little velvet lined box.

They way their eyes lit up at the sight of what's inside was a sight to behold.

Their expression when he told them they could keep it was priceless.

The fact that the pin was a reference to Bright's favourite lyrics was a coincidence. But seeing Bright's hushed awe as they cradled the little pin, however, it might as well have been meant to be.

He rubbed his thumb over its surface, feeling the ridges of its enamel and engravings. How Bright treasured it, pinning it in a place of honour on their jacket. It was the moment he finally got through to them. The night he finally convinced them he cared for them beyond just obligation. He hadn't seen it as of late, he realised.

He ran his thumb over the underside of the pin, a soft frown on his face. Ah- it seems the pin had broken off. Why hadnt Bright told him? He could have fixed it for them, he had a few spare pin backs lying around.

He closed his fingers around the pin gingerly, squeezing it before slipping it into his pocket, and closing the door.

Freddy recognised the new addition to Sam's attire immediately when they next meet.

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

HIStory’s ranked (no one asked, but here i go)

so i was sittin here, talkin to myself about the HIStory series’ and was like ‘hey, i should rank them’ (which i’ve seen a few other people do, but mines a lot more rambling than there’s because i can’t shut up lol) 

so here’s my views lol (ordered from worst to best, imo):

6) My Hero (HIStory1) -

probably universally acknowledged as the worst episode, and i’d be inclined to agree with the masses on this lol... not only is the tone and humour of this series so weird and disjointed, but the entire story line literally makes no sense lol?? it’s unclear who the audience should be rooting for (especially as it goes out of it’s way to paint our protagonist as really unlikable lol, not to mention the love interest is the dullest character ever conceived like ???), as well as this the ending feels completely unrelated and bizarre... 

i think this concept /could/ have worked if the guy the woman was inhabiting (which sounds weird without context, but like she’s dead lol) was somehow also inside his head? or if she got to see his memories or whatever & tries to adjust her personality to match the guy’s, causing love interest!dude to fall in love with the guy... (like i could go into more detail, i basically hav an entire au written in my head lol, but yh...)... that way, her letting go of him in the end would feel so much more well set up? especially if she was generally more understanding and likeable.. 

i think overall this series just fails in telling a decent story lol... & the cringe is even beyond what i can handle lol

5) Obsessed (HIStory1) -

people might be surprised to see this one so low down, especially since i know a lot of people really love this series (& if u do, no hate to u btw, ur allowed to like whatever u want idc), but i realllllly don’t like this series... like at all ...

the plot is weird anyway, which isnt inherently a bad thing, but then u add on the really bad couple and it’s just...... bad lol... like everything about their relationship is built on lies and deceit, and even more so than that it’s built on a lack of mutual respect and fundamental trust for each other! tall guy (i don’t know names soz) feigns memory loss in order to get closer to short guy (btw, the scenes with them being domestic were really sweet, & i firmly believe this could have been an alright series for the actors if the story line wasn’t so bad), short guy’s whole existence in that universe was a lie lol (like i know there’s no easy way to tell someone ‘lol well i’m technically from the future’ but still), then there’s the whole resolution at the end & it’s just so ??? frustrating lol!

nothing bugs me more than seeing conflict in relationships (on screen or irl) that could be solved simply by TALKING TO EACH OTHER GODDAMNIT & isnt lol... my other issue with this series is the fact tall guy 100% forced himself upon short guy in the tent & like we’re just supposed to accept it cos ?? he’s saying no and pushing away but actually he wants it because he loves tall guy ?? like fuck no i’m not accepting that lol! 

basically, bad & bizarre story & characters, & gross tropes just makes this hard for me to watch and enjoy lol... i think, like in my hero, this could’ve done with being a different story altogether lol... (maybe tall guy actually did lose his memory & he falls for short guy all on his own with no predatory intentions?? idk something like that)

4) Right or Wrong (HIStory2)

this one & my number 3 are very much tied tbh, but this one is just slightly lower just because i’m not as big into the couple as i know a lot of people are... & it’s not necessarily the age gap, cos i dont actually mind age gaps in pairings (just as long as the younger one isnt a minor, obv... and also i think any gap that’s 30+ years is a bit weird lol..).. i think my big problem with this is i dont really see why younger guy (again, i have no idea of any of these characters’ names lol) would fall for the older guy? like the older guy is obvs going thru some issues, and hasnt been taking care of himself or his kid properly because of them, but like we dont rly see a lot of why he’s a great guy? like we get the sense young guy is attracted to him, but like love is more than just thinkin they’re hot lol... idk lol this might just be me tbh i just couldnt see why he’d be interested lol

i did like the whole family side though, and showing how a man who was previously with a woman can still end up with a guy (bisexualityyyyy (or some variation of that thereupon)) is something you dont always see in media, so i thought that was pretty cool! (even if the ex-wife thing was kinda lame lol...) 

i think overall i see what this series was going for, and that it actually did an alright job in some parts... the biggest problem is that it’s kinda just forgettable lol... maybe that’s why people like obsessed so much lol? maybe it was a train wreck but ohh boy at least u wont forget it in a hurry lol!

3) Stay Away From Me (HIStory1) -

i’m a bit torn about this one, cos there are parts of it i actually really like (them going from rivals/enemies to being good friends to being more), and other parts i really didnt (the stereotypical squealing yaoi fangirl friend)... & tbh, i kinda wish this had just been a show about the budding friendship between the 2 guys... it almost feels too forced to me that they’re made to ‘fall in love’ when i actually think them both becoming less selfish and learning to respect each other as step brothers & friends is actually already a really great story (& i know that it doesnt fit with the whole ‘HIStory’ thing, but stories of platonic brotherhood/’bromance’ are just as important as gay representation... isnt a /substitute/ for representation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always so beautiful to see decently portrayed non-toxic friendships between guys... ok this is a rant for another day tho shhh)

i think maybe why i like this one more than the other HIStory1′s is because kinda nothing happens lol... it’s not overly complex with weird unexplained magic things happening, it’s just a simple story lol... is it still tropey as hell? of course lol! but i think the ‘realism’ of the world really helps, and i def think this was incorporated more into HIStory 2, which i’m really glad about...

overall, this is a relatively harmless series & is actually quite sweet at times... the kiss is awkward as fuck tho (there, i said it lol...)... it suffers the same forgetability as right or wrong tho... 

2) Crossing the Line (/Boundary Crossing) (HIStory2) -

ok, so here’s a series i 100% love & totally agree with the hype around lol! i hav no interest in volleyball (or any sports tbh), but the way this show handles the friendships and dynamics between the characters is really well done, especially for a series that’s only 8 episodes long! i also really love that none of the characters really fall into any stereotypes (which is a great improvement from HIStory1 i can tell u lol), and are given the space to actually have some growth & nuance at times?! 

(nuance? in MY HIStory series?? it’s more likely than you think!)

the main couple have really amazing chemistry, and the way they get together doesnt feel too out of place or that it’s going to fast, it just sorta flows really nicely... even the side couple are pretty well done (though i wasnt that big into them on my first watch, just cos the whole overbearing older brother thing was kinda annoying... i liked them more as the series went on tho...)

i kinda dont have any major complaints? which is bizarre cos i always hav complaints about things lol... maybe my complaint would be that they all look way too old and attractive to be whatever teenage age they’re supposed to be lol... (but tbh that doesnt take anything away from the story so i’ll forgive them lol...)... i think maybe i wouldnt consider it my favourite because the story line didnt grab me like the number 1... but i really cant fault it in terms of what it delivers lol, legit such a well put together series!

1) Trapped (HIStory3) -

lol i think anyone who’s been following me for the past few months aren’t in the slightest bit surprised this is my number one... i just love it too much lol!

from the incredibly well written and well acted characters, to the interesting and engaging (even if a bit ridiculous) plot, to the beautifully told romance , it really has it all doesn’t it!!! & i think even if this wasnt an enemies to lovers thing (aka one of the most godtier of all fanfic tropes), there’s so many things going for this series that make it worth watching! i have a few complains about editing choices and a few bad trope plot points which were just unnecessary (plus the fact we missed out on a lot of background info on some major characters lol...), but like despite everything this series rly struck a chord with me deep down in my soul lol

i could go waaay more into detail (and maybe i will one day lol... tho not rn, i’m v tired), but the gist of the matter is: i really love trapped lol

(conclusion)

Even though i’ve complained quite a bit here, i am so grateful for the HIStory series’ for bringing really interesting, and a little mad, stories with gay characters and story lines, with a big emphasis on happy endings! there are so many lgbt stories/characters in things that end up dying or just have bad endings, which just sends this horrible message that lgbt people aren’t worthy of having happy endings, which is completely untrue! 

So i look forward to future HIStory’s, even if some of them are gonna be bad (& maybe none will live up to the trapped!shaped bullet firmly lodged in my heart lol)

fin~